#004 Bullies and boundaries

[About this story: I found myself being bullied by a loved one, and as hard as I tried to manage the situation, nothing improved. My mental health reached a dangerous point and I knew I had to do something drastic. A three minute read.]

Feeble waves lapped at my feet. The bay was at peace, languidly turning over and under to a monotonous rhythm.

Daylight was melting, laying in shimmering pools across the ocean’s surface. Chilly breeze ruffled my hair, and flung a salty puff onto my face. The briny aroma and icy nip provoked my senses, letting me know I was still alive – the emergency had passed.

Minutes previously, (or was it hours?), the tranquil waters had beckoned to me. A watery end would be achievable. The bullying had toppled me. I tried to avoid being toppled. I failed. The darkness finally had me in its clutches. Despair swamped me.

Despair only descends upon me when I have nowhere else to go. Despair is a temporary haven, comforting me with an invitation to a place where the light always shines and unconditional love prevails. Soft cushions in a hard world. It was a tempting invitation. It wasn’t my soul directing me from the beach that evening, it was despair.

Complacency had me believing that I had permanently conquered despair, but there it was befriending me after years of absence. I was unprepared and alone. I was frightened. A soft place to fall verses a relentless battering of words.

A hazy tunnel bridged the shore and eternity – a well-worn path. There would be no battle; liquid fingers would pull at my clothing until I reached the timber piers that would anchor me. Bliss would take me to a place where bullying did not exist.

But not today. Thank god, not today.  

I slumped cross-legged onto the sand, overcome with guilt-polluted relief. I was alive, but at what cost? Tomorrow would bring more of the same unless I could find the courage to let go.

I was caught up in the wild winds of a desperate person, a person so consumed with victimhood that she believed her demands and toxic spiels were valid because emotional pain of decades past shaped her. She was addicted to her story and her pain, not ready to begin to heal herself.

And she loved me, albeit love tainted by the lack of trust. What the hell is love without trust anyway? A farce. A painful struggle. Ours was a dysfunctional love destined for heartbreak from the outset, disguised by naivety and neediness.

I picked myself up from the damp sand and walked to the beachside restaurant, sitting alone in a corner easy-chair and watching the last rays of sunlight cast shadows to the water. It was a beautiful scene, serene and bathed in glorious soft golden light.

Wine lulled me into a more pleasant headspace. My glass sat on the window sill. I kicked off my soggy shoes under the table, and ate my fish and chips with my fingers, staring into space.

And then anger was there. Anger allowed me to feel again. I was oddly grateful for the anger. I walked home in the darkness, mumbling and crying, giving my anger room to be. And it passed, as all things do.

Sleep came, and daylight came. Images of a bridge to inner peace resurfaced. I knew I’d be safer amongst people, so I sat in a café knitting and sipping tea. A stranger gifted me kindness. I absorbed her warmth and I started to heal.

Through the pots of tea and knit-one-purl-one, thoughts came and went. Some thoughts stuck around long enough for me to absorb bits and pieces of value. I recognised why I suffered. What you allow, persists.

I accepted that I played a part in my own suffering (as we all do). Why the hell can't I wise up and learn my lesson and be done with the suffering? Universal law declares that our assigned soul lessons will repeat themselves until we get it, that's why. I get it alright, but I just haven't got the guts to follow through.

Emotionally abusive relationships have been the norm for me. Self-compassion is my lesson. I've figured that bit out, but standing up for my rights is a hard call - to follow through with no when I say no.

There might be other people who will mistreat or manipulate me, but after turning down the ocean's call, I'm determined to deal more wisely with these challenges. My psychotherapist says I have to learn how to set and maintain boundaries.

"Boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships. If others don't respect your boundaries,” said my therapist, “they do not deserve to be a part of your life. Forgive them, send them love, and move on.”

So I figured out it was time to move on. Now I had to do it.

I ended my day of recovery and reflection with a long walk on the beach. Walking is energising. Time amongst nature is nurturing. The sad and painful process of disengagement and letting go of a love that I thought would last a lifetime, will carry me along my path in the direction I am meant to journey. And whatever comes or goes, I will be okay. Eventually.

No one wants to give up on someone they love

such as a relative, friend or lover. But, sometimes we are

forced to make hard decisions
by extraordinary suffering.

Eventually,  you begin to

realise that your powers to guide

or heal others are limited. You finally accept that

their emptiness, pain and dysfunction requires more

than you have to give. You can not love someone

who doesn't even love them self.

Letting go is heartbreaking;

but let go, forgive them, forgive  yourself

and begin the process of healing.

Photography by Gaye Drady

    

#001 A different path

[About this story: We were prepared for retirement, planning to move from the Hunter Valley to settle in the semi-arid north-west of NSW, when we made a sudden change of plans. A two-minute read]

Sister Cottage just happened out of the blue, a combination of love, trust and vision.

As my sister and I tended to our ageing and ailing parents, we redeveloped our relationship that had flagged somewhat over the years for no particular reason. Our bond to each other instantaneously deepened and became firm.

Mum lay dying, barely recognisable but for her beautiful silver hair, thick and healthy, framing her gaunt face. Her needs were tended to by dedicated palliative-care staff. Fresh nightwear daily, her body always clean and fresh, her skin massaged with moisturiser, fingernails clipped. She was cared for as if she was merely out of sorts for a short time, not unconscious and dying. It was such a comfort to see that our mother, a humble little old pensioner who had lost her sensibilities due to the cruelty of dementia, and who was so dear to us, was being treated like royalty as her body gave up life.

Her favourite music played softly in her room, the curtains partly drawn for some light and fresh air, tea and coffee-making facilities in the room in readiness for her loved ones. Whatever time of day or night my sister and I visited our dear mother, her hair was freshly brushed and her teddy tucked under her arm.

Mum was a feisty lady, and didn't give up easily. My sister and I said our heartbreaking final goodbyes twice a day for a whole week, till she finally slipped away. Our husbands were there every night to comfort us. Then we buried her with Dad, who we had buried only a few months prior.

My sister and I had been through so much together, sharing the burden, comforting and encouraging each other, working and relaxing together, crying and laughing together. We were both sad to go our separate ways.

Three years previously, my husband and I had purchased a house in a little town in north-western New South Wales where we planned to retire, leaving the Hunter Valley where we had lived most of our married life. We renovated the house and established a garden, integrated into the welcoming community, established interests, and were excited about moving there upon retirement in a few years time. The surrounding bush called to us to satisfy our desire to be amongst nature.

But sentiments changed after my parents died; I wanted to live my golden years near my sister, to continue to be an everyday part of her life.  After considerable thought, I put the idea to my husband, and he warmed to it immediately. I mentioned our tentative plans to my sister and her husband, and they were over-joyed. They offered to help us get organised any way that they could.

Little did I know, however, just what extent they were happily prepared to go to also have that close-at-hand relationship. She and her husband offered to allow us to build a home in their backyard (a 9-acre rural property in south-east Queensland). The four of us discussed pros and cons of the proposal, and we accepted their generous offer.

From there, preparations for the establishment of Sister Cottage and our life of shared occupation began, with genuine and lasting excitement brimming from all.

The construction on our little house began late December 2014